The Joker's Wife

Protest From The Couch

2006-01-06T23:10:00.000-08:00

I had no intentions of watching the new series on NBC "The Book of Daniel" until I heard on the news that conservative groups were protesting and some television stations weren't going to air the show. Well now, I have a new cause: I have to rebel against the protesters. I told hubby to turn on all the televisions so we could improve the shows' ratings. Unfortunately, we are not part of the Nielsen crowd so that was all for naught. The pilot was long (2 hours) but the show was great. Jesus was so cool. Made me want to go to church.

Sleep Study

2006-01-04T21:45:00.000-08:00

If you can imagine what Barbie's arms would look like in a stickup you can picture how I sleep. For some reason when I fall asleep my arms creep up like I'm surrendering (to what I don't know). This has to be the most uncomfortable way to sleep. I am in agony in the mornings: I can't turn my head or I feel like I've got a knife stuck in my shoulder. It is driving me crazy. I know there are all kinds of sleep problems; I constantly battle insomnia, but what the hell is this? I told Otto I want him to tie my arms down, but he just giggles at me. Does anyone know where I could get a straightjacket?

Kitchen Porn

2006-01-01T21:45:00.000-08:00

The night before last I was having trouble sleeping so I tried to lull myself back to sleep with the television. I only have sixty-seven channels so I am really limited at 3:00 a.m. I settled on the Food Network because Paula Dean's cooking show was on. Paula Dean is all about southern cooking. Grits and collard greens.

On the episode I'm watching she's making green beans. It is when she starts going on about sauteeing the salt pork in the bacon grease that I realized that her show should come with a MPAA rating. She was just giggling a little too much for me and talking too much about the "tasty" salt pork...

Hmm, this post is entering the weird zone, it seemed much more thought-provoking at 3:00 a.m. Maybe it would have been different if it had been Emeril.

My Dog Is Giving Lessons

2005-12-29T21:35:00.000-08:00

...in barking. There is a dog in the neighborhood whose bark is just like hers. I keep going out back to bring her in and quiet her down only to discover she's in the house sleeping in her bed. I think the Pooch is throwing her woof woof just to mess with me.

Overheard: Take Two

2005-12-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

How is something only illegal in theory?

The Regifter Grifter Redux

2005-12-22T22:58:00.000-08:00

Otto, my little Joker, is not the best at gift giving. Our second Christmas together illustrates this so well. We exchanged the usual sweaters and books and such. My gifts were meticulously wrapped and his were put together haphazardly except for one lone gift in a small box.

The small box was professionally wrapped and from one of the fancy schmancy stores here in Oklahoma City. This was the last gift Otto gave me to open. We were already in the legal way so it couldn't be a ring. Maybe it was a nice pair of earrings. Well, to my surprise it was something even better! It was a gold hammer that had different sized screwdrivers in the handle. How did he know? I love tools!

Christmas day gets going and relatives start showing up. I am showing off my loot and just gushing over my golden hammer. Otto is beaming with pride and I can tell he is pleased with himself. Suddenly the light reflects something on the hammer head; there is an engraving. Upon further inspection I see the initials P.J.A. None of these letters stand for Ceres. I realize I have seen these letters before, it is the organization my husband belongs to: The Professional Jokers of America.

After the interrogation I learn that Otto went to the annual Jokers' Christmas party and they passed these gifts out to everyone. He saw a fellow joker open their gift and he knew I would like the hammer. He thought he could pass it off as an additional Christmas gift for me, from him, wrapped and ready to go. I wanted to bean him in the head with my new hammer.

If anyone intends to regift this year for Christmas or Chanuka please learn from Otto's mistakes. At the very least, read this article for some good tips on regifting. And if you don't have the ability to be sly just don't do it.

Whatnot, Take One

2005-12-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

I have pretty much shaken the croup that has had a hold of my lungs for two weeks. The real downside of healing is that my voice has returned. While I was sick I sang Tanya Tucker's version of Delta Dawn and Walk the Line by Johnny Cash to Otto and Pooch. I think Otto really misses my singing. It was the only time in my life that I actually felt confident singing with anyone else around. My baritone was amazing, almost velvety. I got so brazen about my singing that I would subject my brother-in-law to my version of Johnny Cash. Bro-in-law would call and immediately I would start, "I walk the line..." and he would just balk. He didn't think I sounded like him, but I thought I could at least pass for Joaquin Phoenix. Now my old high-pitched scratchy voice is back and I have whiplash from all the coughing.

By the way, Lip Schitck just celebrated her one year in the blogosphere. Way to go!

Enough Already #3

2005-12-05T21:50:00.000-08:00

I don't generally watch the local news station unless I need a weather report. I found tonight's news on Channel 9 here in Oklahoma City very distressing and it had nothing to do with the frigid air coming our way. Anchorman Kelly Ogle has his bit he calls My Two Cents. He has a hard time coming up with topics though because he is blabbering about the mistreatment of Christmas trees again. Does this guy have stock in conifers?

Apparently a group of kids from an elementary school decorated a tree at the Capitol with used lottery tickets. The tree was found to be distasteful by Representative Randy Terrill and the offending tree was removed. Mr. Ogle found it necessary to pile on by bringing it up on the news tonight. He let us all know that he didn't think it was such a good idea to decorate a tree with lottery tickets. Well, I don't think publicly embarrassing young elementary school kids is too swell either. It seems the adults have used the Christmas tree to further their political agendas or fill air time. These elementary school kids have learned there really isn't free speech and that their ideas are crap. I really think they got the decorations right though. Christmas is all about the mighty buck.

I wish some of the local news stations would get over their "Marsha Marsha Marsha complex" and stop with the commentary already. Give me the facts or move the over to cable. I'm Ceres and that's my blog post.

One Butt Cheek

2005-12-05T12:20:00.000-08:00

Since I have been sick I haven't been able to sleep much, so I have filled my hours with lots and lots of television. I was finally able to get more than three hours of sleep last night, unfortunately with sleep comes dreams. I dreamed I was having some liposuction done. This is really a nightmare because I am very afraid of surgery and anesthesia. In the dream I had liposuction on my hip/butt area, but the doctor only did one side. I was actually watching him do the surgery and he seemed to have a good reason for only doing one side. Afterward, I kept looking at my backside in the mirror with only a half of spare tire and wondering if I could withstand surgery again to have the other half finished. I don't remember how the dream ended but I think I am going to nix Nip/Tuck from my Sunday TV watch list.

Recreational Whining

2005-12-01T22:01:00.000-08:00

I dragged my nauseous ass off the couch to tell you all I am sick. Sick and feeling sorry for myself. My throat hurts and my joints ache. The one good thing about this bug is that it has left me with no appetite; at least I didn't waste the day away stuffing my face. I am not taking this well, I haven't been sick in almost two years. I got my flu shot and took my vitamins. I even knocked on wood. I feel like I personally failed my health. I think I have come down with the bird flu.

Overheard

2005-11-30T22:01:00.000-08:00

Last night at dinner I heard someone say this woman was hot. Breathing hot vile is not pretty. Thanks to The Subjective Scribe for the picture and the inspiration.

Fashion Rant #2

2005-11-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

Last night I was surfing around the blogosphere and I came across an ad that said: Jessica Simpson Plus Size Jeans. When I saw this headline I thought it was a joke. Out of curiosity I clicked on the ad. The store, The Avenue, had Jessica Simpson jeans for sale. The Avenue caters to women who wear sizes 14-26. In case no one has noticed, Jessica Simpson is a skinny bitch. I am not dissing women who wear size 14-26, I got plenty of junk in my trunk. But I am 5'1" and if that amazon Brigitte Nielsen starting hawking clothes at the Petite Sophisticate I might just balk.

We all know that Jessica Simpson can't even wear the clothes they sell at The Avenue including her own jeans. Someone needs to tell Joe Simpson that you can't put her name on everything.

Thankful Thanksgiving

2005-11-26T22:50:00.000-08:00

No cops. No plumber. No passive-aggressiveness. No guilt trips. No mean drunks. No fights with hubby. No fights with in-laws. No off-color jokes. No snide remarks. No emergency room visits.

Thanksgiving was rather boring this year and I am truly thankful.

Odorous Makeover

2005-11-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

Today I hung up a new shower curtain along with a new a liner. Normally this would be about as noteworthy as replacing the toilet paper roll. The liner (which is plastic) had a strange sweet smell. Even Otto commented on how good the bathroom smelled. It actually reminded me of how Halloween costumes smelled when I was a kid and no one cared about fire retardant clothes. Sort of sickly sweet. I kept smelling the liner and feeling kind of high. Not in the regular kind of way but more just a happy high. I hope inhaling the fumes of shower curtain liners is as harmless as the fumes of magic markers.

I am tempted to delete this post, but what the hell I'm high on liner. You have now been exposed to the goofball in me.

Thoughts Without Segues

2005-11-20T20:42:00.000-08:00

Today was my birthday. I was born at 12:01 a.m. I haven't decided if I was early or late.

Now everyone can start planning Thanksgiving.

A thought I have been pondering while reflecting on my age: How come the price of Vans and Lacoste shirts haven't gone down since I was in high school? Shouldn't we be able to pick up these items up at Big Lots? And in bulk? I thought these labels fell out of fashion with the '80s.

Over at The Incurable Insomniac she has posted an old meat advertisement on her blog that reminds me of my Otto. I am always telling Otto he thinks of his stomach before he thinks of me.

I ate way too much crap today.

Painful Lunch: Part Two

2005-11-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

While watching ABC News tonight I learned that the wrapper around my taco might be more deadly than the taco shell. Turns out there is Teflon in the food wrapper and it gets into our blood. It seems that Dupont is doing a fine job of poisoning our planet with their wonder chemical. Check out the story here.

Painful Lunch

2005-11-17T22:00:00.000-08:00

I had a hankering for tacos today, but I didn't realize how long it had been since I actually ate one. Do not scarf down tacos without chewing thoroughly. There is nothing worse than being really hungry and have a taco shell lodged in your throat.

I Only Sleep With Democrats...

2005-11-17T10:04:00.000-08:00

That is what my favorite T-shirt says. It is so threadbare you can hardly see the donkey anymore.

What's on your favorite T-shirt?

Fashion Rant #1

2005-11-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

Ryan Seacrest was hosting Larry King Live last night. Ryan was interviewing Nicole Richie. I think that Larry must have dressed Ryan though. Ryan had on a pastel pink tie with a gigantic knot. He must have wrapped that tie six times; I think the knot was bigger than his chin. Nicole Richie even asked if his tie was a clip-on.

Mr. Seacrest, please go back to metrosexual school. You are in need of a refresher course.

Popcorn Education

2005-11-14T14:16:00.000-08:00

I went to see the new movie Capote this weekend. Seeing this movie has changed my life. I have learned a new way to butter my popcorn. While waiting for the movie to start I saw that the fella in front of me had one of those complimentary water cups and he was pouring it over his popcorn. He's got butter in there! Then he would eat his popcorn and then add more butter as he ate his popcorn. I thought that was the cleverest thing I had ever seen. Why hadn't I thought of that. It is disgusting when the movie butter just sits on top of the bag of popcorn and I just have plain popcorn for the rest of the movie. It has been a difficult equation until now. I can't wait to go the theater again-- that popcorn will almost seem like it's worth four bucks.

Is there a 12-Step Program for this?

2005-11-06T23:30:00.000-08:00

I thought I was cured of this, but it has returned. It started of innocent enough. Someone said, "Hey you might enjoy reading one of Dr. Pants' notorious rants about channel nine news". I read it and of course wanted to add MY two cents. I couldn't remember my user name or my password, but I commented anyway. I thought that was it for me. I was so wrong. At first I started reading some of my old favorite Okie blogs. I only find comfort in the fact that I have kept it at the state level and I have not ventured into the more infamous national blogs.

Crap! I feel like I have started smoking again-- I know it is bad for me, but I enjoy it anyway. I finally found my password and have managed to leave a couple of comments here and there. Now I am actually posting. I have toiled with the idea of starting a new blog, where I can kavetch about what's really bothering me or keeping The Joker's Wife for sentimental reasons. Lately The Joker's Wife has been relegated to receiving comments from commercial blogs for big dicks and watches.

I am amazed how things changed so much in the last six months. Cutting to the Chase has added guest bloggers and created life. I witnessed drunk blogging over at Wholesale Pants. And poor Lilred: she's got on her scalp what my pooch gets every year. Well I have given up an hour of my life to the blogosphere when I could have been in a deep Lunetsa slumber. I have got to get off of this computer and find some gum or a patch.

False Advertising

2005-05-26T22:01:00.000-07:00

While reading Cutting to the Chase, I learned that the Bill O'Reilly is giving his opinion of the Paris Hilton burger commercial. Yep, Mr. O'Reilly is certainly a good judge of soft porn. Chase has the link if you would like to watch the Carl's Jr. commercial.

Okay if you are still here I'll give you my take.

Who would believe that an anorexic woman like Paris Hilton would eat that hamburger? She would look like a snake that swallowed a fat toad. Why aren't all the skinny bitches out there saying Paris isn't "representing" us and our lifestyle? That is the group I want to hear from, because I don't believe that Paris would eat the burger.

Alright you can move on now.

Alien Invasion Update

2005-05-26T20:00:00.001-07:00

Quirky Chick asked how it went with my in-laws. I was glad to see them and glad to see them go home. I love them dearly, but I always end up exhausted and feeling like I need a vacation from their vacation.

Conversations and Observations: Take Two

2005-05-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

I am going to start off with another grocery store tale. I was reminded of a funny post, Thievin' Pet Peeve, that I read on The Blue Dot Blog while standing in line at the store today. The post is about the "I want it now" society that we live in.

While I was waiting to be rung up I noticed the lady in front of me digging into her purchase before she paid for it. Nothing is more unappealing than watching someone eat a cupcake from the bakery off the conveyor belt. She ate the cupcake so fast that she really only paid for five. Don't people realize that the grocery store is full of germs? News stations are always testing the handles on shopping carts and finding all kinds of nasty things like e-coli. People, wash your hands after you have been to the grocery store.

Now, let's continue on with the absurdity of my day. I get asked stupid questions all the time but today I got some winners. I am at the GNC store to buy some soy protein powder. Immediately the salesclerk is there to help me. I tell her that I don't want egg or whey protein powder because I have high cholesterol. In fact, I'm getting checked again next week and I am hoping for better numbers. As I am paying my bill the salesclerk asks me how I know I have high cholesterol. Hmm...how does one know such things? Well a woman with a big smile and a big needle stuck me in the arm and took a lot of blood. Oh, and I couldn't have anything to eat or drink that morning. Then she sent the vial off to some lab and came back with some high numbers... My doctor told me, that is how I know.

The next stupid question really pissed me off. Yesterday my car died at mechanic's shop. It was suffering from a bad alternator and a dead battery and, to jack the bill up even higher, the air conditioner wasn't working. I knew at the time that the alternator was going out because this had happened before with my previous car. The mechanic gets my car all fixed up and I drive home for the first time this year with COLD air coming out of the air conditioner. I felt like singing with the radio all the way home. Today was somewhat of a cool day so I didn't turn on the air conditioner until mid-afternoon: Out comes the HOT air. I called the mechanic right away because I had laid down some big bucks to get my vehicle in good working order. The guy asked me if I had turned it (the a/c) on right. I wasn't sure that I heard him correctly. What? Did I turn it on right? Well, yeah. How does one know their alternator is going out, but doesn't know how to turn their air conditioner on? Chauvinistic pig.

I think I need to move.

The Price Isn't Right

2005-05-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

I am really tired of shopping at stores like Homeland and the new CVS (bought out Eckerds) Drug Store. You have to have a special card to get the discounted prices. I am used to Homeland now because my hubby Otto got a Homeland Card. What these companies really want to do is track my purchases. I am sure there is a special provision in The Homeland Security Bill to see what kind of things I buy. When I shop at Homeland I only have to give them my phone number to show I'm in their system. But they aren't that bad because I have rebelled before and said I didn't have a Homeland Card. The store checker would just scan their card and give me the special price.

CVS is not that way. I have gone to this store before and picked up items I thought it were on "sale" only to be tricked at the checkout counter. It happened again to me today. I told the guy at CVS that I didn't have a CVS card and he would just have to charge me full price. Of course, he did just that. I would have left my merchandise there if I hadn't been in desperate need of a laxative after hosting my in-laws for a week.

I'm Being Invaded By Aliens

2005-05-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

If I am quieter than usual this week it is because it is that time of year again. Time for the in-laws to visit and take over my house. I have removed all evidence of The Joker's Wife so that my cover won't be blown, some of them are a bit nosy. But I love them anyway. Before I sign off for the week, I have posted one of my favorite tales about my husband. Hope you enjoy The Regifter Grifter.

The Regifter Grifter

2005-05-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

Otto and I are fairly traditional when it comes to celebrating Valentine's Day. We go out to dinner, exchange cards, and I usually get flowers. Sometimes I buy Otto his favorite candy although he has never given me candy for any holiday or occasion. That was the case until February 14, 2004.

When Otto got home from work he was hiding something behind his back and grinning at me. Of course I was curious, isn't Valentine's Day really just another gift collecting holiday for us girls? He hands me a small heart-shaped box of candy. It is the kind of chocolates that you pick up at Walgreens for four or five dollars for your mom or grandma. Well I was thrilled, I love that kind of stuff!!! Otto had never bought me candy and he was being so thoughtful. I could tell that he was pleased with himself.

So we go to dinner and have a lovely time. When we get home I am ready to have some of those chocolates. I hesitate at first: the cellophane wrapping is missing from the box. Is someone trying to poison people on Valentines instead of Halloween? Surely not. So I lift the heart-shaped lid to take my chances. What?! All my radars are going off now! There are two pieces of chocolate missing. How do I know this? There are two empty wrappers. I go looking for Otto.

When I find my husband I tell him that if he wanted to eat part of my gift that was fine, but at least try to be a little sneaky and toss out the evidence. Otto can not confess to something he has not done. He didn't eat any of the candy and this was where his "thoughtfulness" got him in trouble. One thing my husband can not do is lie, he'll keep mum, but he can't tell lies. I eventually get the details of the mysterious box of candy out of him.

There was a meeting for some visitors in Otto's office that day and his assistant had bought boxes of candy to put in the conference room. She was the one who bought the Valentine's candy and some stranger ate two pieces out of the box. When Otto was shutting everything down that evening he saw a lone box of candy sitting on the table. He brought it home and silently implied that he bought it for me for Valentine's Day.

I wasn't mad at all, but I did give him a lot of grief. What I couldn't understand is how he thought I wouldn't be onto his scheme. The most unfortunate part for him is that he has to live down this story until I forget it. That used box of chocolates cost him a lot, I almost feel sorry for him.

Finally!

2005-05-13T03:23:00.000-07:00

Anyone else get bolted out of bed this morning with all the lightning? I knew if I started watering the lawn it would eventually rain. Either that or it is raining because it is Otto's turn to water the yard. Whatever, I'll take this glorious shower. Good start for Friday the 13th.

M.I.A. and F.Y.I.

2005-05-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

I didn't know I was missing until I saw myself on a juicebox today at the grocery store. According to the company the name Ceres means Goddess of Fruitfulness. I was always told that it meant the Goddess of Agriculture. This makes more sense to me since I come from a long line of family farmers. I recently read that it also means Goddess of Corn. Personally I just feel like the Goddess of Carbs.

Conversations and Observations

2005-05-09T23:00:00.000-07:00

Since I started this blog my husband now asks if he can talk to me off the record.

He keeps calling my blog Joker's Wild.

He still doesn't know what "the bomb" means (see Ode to Otto Man) and has researched the term on the Internet.

Last night I went to ask his opinion on a blog topic. He was sitting in the recliner in front of the television working.

"Hey Honey...". No response. "You dropped the remote". Then he looks up from his papers with a smile and a thank you. Apparently he didn't hear me call him Honey, but he heard the word remote.

Men!

Happy Mama Bitch Day

2005-05-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

This morning my little one, the 80 lb. three year old, sat by my bed and waited for me to wake up. Otto was already up and about making the coffee. I was really appreciating her quietness and patience so I pretended to be asleep.

When Otto came back in the bedroom the gig was up; she knew that I was awake. So I got a big kiss and lots of loving. All good wishes for a happy mother's day. When that was all over she turned around and wanted me to scratch her back. I guess all the attention was off of me now.

I was just wondering, are kids just like pets?

2005-05-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

Meet The Pooch

I Knew Him When He Was A Flippery Fish

2005-05-07T07:10:00.000-07:00

It was so delightful to see a local Okie blogger quoted in Slate this week on his favorite topic, The Daily Show. Cutting to The Chase was the first blog I read and still remains in my top five list. Way to go Mr. McInerney.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith: Coming To A Video Store Very Soon

2005-05-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

Breaking news: In case you haven't heard Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up!!! And, if what I have read while standing in line at the grocery store is true, it is Angelina Jolie's fault. I am certain that this will hurt the sales of the new summer movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. How can anyone attend a movie knowing that it broke up a marriage? The same thing happened to Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe when they made a movie that no one went to see because their affair was distracting from the release of the movie.

No matter what the circumstances are, it all just seems so sordid. Especially when it appears that Jennifer Aniston is the injured party and by a freak (albeit a hot one) like Angelina. It would be just as bad if Jennifer made a movie with Billy Bob Thorton and she left Brad for Billy Bob.

Ode To Otto Man

2005-05-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

I just adore my husband Otto. Not only does he do the grocery shopping, but he also brings home flowers along with the milk. When we get take out food he is always willing to pick up Chinese and Italian. And whenever I am low on cash I know I can go through his suit pockets and turn up a reasonable amount of change without a surcharge. Furthermore, when the pooch murders a large rodent, Otto takes care of the carcass. He even gave up cologne because he thought the dog was allergic. Otto also takes it well when he has me laughing at him hysterically. Tonight I was feeling so thankful and I told Otto that he was The Bomb. He said, "Really?! Gee, thanks!" I asked him if he knew what that phrase meant and he said, "No, but it sounded real nice."

I am not really sure if he is from Mars, but I love him.

Be A Player

2005-04-28T11:44:00.000-07:00

I know a really fun person out there who doesn't have time to blog (yeah right). Yet, she is always e-mailing me fun stuff. Try this out if you are in a slump today. Now you can call me Sweet Chocolate J. Dogg.

All Is Right With The World Today...

2005-04-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

At least the one I live in. On my way home I was so thrilled to see an ass-wipe get pulled over for speeding through a School Zone. And he was pulled over CHiPS style. Gotcha! That is why the lights flash yellow. I think the camper-covered pickup might've even been exceeding the regular speed limit.

To top off my good day, I received a letter from a politician stating he had enough campaign money and was going to return any unused money to me (and anyone else who had contributed to his campaign). Holy schmoly, I about fell over. When will something like this ever happen again?

Confessions: Part One

2005-04-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

Now that I have slept through a tedious Mass session I feel the need to make some confessions. First of all, only about six people that know me are aware of my blog. Most of my in-laws will never know (I hope I don't have to explain this). When I have been at social functions I have found that most folks don't get it and they call blogs websites. So I just stick to safe dinner topics like baseball and politics. Obviously this is a bit ironic, people who know my real name don't realize I blog and those that know me as "Ceres" know quite a bit about my life. The main reasons that I don't tell is because my husband's friends will think I am even odder than they thought before, or they will want my website address so they can read my blog.

I may seem to be digressing, but I will get to my point. Recently I have realized that blogging is permeating my whole life. I have dreamt about bloggers that I read-- these are the most ghoulish dreams because everyone is faceless. I have also noticed that I have adapted other people's little sayings. For instance, The Daily Bitch uses the phrase "For crap's sake" and now it is in my vernacular. And, every week when I make my Wal-Mart run I know this would piss off Lilred. But the worst thing happened last week and I felt like a thief.

I was talking to someone about another person's emotional issues with their mother. The back story is not too important, but I said, "Mind bullets don't kill". Well the person I was talking to loved that phrase so much she wanted to write it down. She asked me where I came up with that phrase. I could not bring myself to tell her that I got "mind bullets" from one of my favorite bloggers. If you haven't read Dr. Pants Wholesale Pants Warehouse please do, it will alleviate some of the guilt that I feel.

Mass. Guilt. Confession. Hmm, maybe I was a Catholic in a previous life.

Annoyance of The Day

2005-04-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

My computer seems to be running so slow. I will type, but it seems to take an eternity for the letters to show up. It really bugs me that my spell checker for my blog thinks that blog, blogger and blogging are not words. Spell checker doesn't care for weblog either. What were the programmers smoking anyway?

Seedless...Not

2005-04-24T22:01:00.000-07:00

Every summer I feel totally tricked. I buy these seedless watermelons only the be faced with these white pithy things. They are too small to pick out and it is almost impossible to avoid ingesting them. I wish the agriculture people who are designing these watermelon hybrids would get it right. At the very least they should be honest in their advertising. I think a better option in redesigning the watermelon is to make the seeds the size of a jawbreaker; watermelon seed spitting contests could be a whole lot more fun. How does watermelon seed dodge ball sound?

Poped Out

2005-04-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

The gluttonous media coverage of the death of Pope John Paul II and the installation of Pope Benedict XVI is giving me bizarre dreams. I did not feel the need to attend church this morning. Last night I dreamt that I was sitting through a really long Mass although I do not practice Catholicism nor have I in the past. There were all these alter boys in the front wearing Irish green satin robes. I could only see the backs of their heads and I remember one of them wearing two earrings similar to George Michael's earrings. At the end of the dream I finally saw the face of one of them after he lit a candle-- it was John Kerry. I am so ready for Chris Jansing to get out of Rome.

It's A Small World After All

2005-04-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

I go to Homeland this morning to grab a few things to make for dinner tonight. At the checkout they ask me for my Homeland Card. Otto does most of the grocery shopping so I don't have the damn card. The clerk asks me for my phone number and I give it to him. He informs me that our (the clerk and I) phone numbers are almost identical and recites his phone number. I'll be damned if the sixth digit is one number off. I laughed and said we probably have received wrong numbers that were meant for each other. Just last week I get a message on my answering machine that was obviously the wrong number because they asked me if I had room for a six year old child. So I say to the clerk,"You don't run a day care from your home do you?" He gave the affirmative and I sheepishly said I think someone left a message at my house for you. I went home hoping he didn't need the business.

Midnight Nosh

2005-04-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep and I have raided the fridge to combat my boredom. Unfortunately, I am on a healthy kick right now (that cherry pie was to fulfill my daily fruit needs) and there is nothing good here. I can't even find my old Irish oatmeal; I must have thrown it out in a mad carb purge. So the pooch and I have devoured a bag of broccoli and cauliflower, a can of low-carb pears and washed it down with sugar-free Tang. I highly recommend the sugar-free Tang. In fact, I am a little suspicious about the "sugar-free" part. It tastes exactly like the stuff I drank in nursery school.

I am also a bit creeped out by the new movie trailers for The Amityville Horror. I don't even want to link the movie to my blog. I can not watch scary movies and I really don't appreciate seeing the "eye windows" on that damn house. It is really cutting down on my trips to the fridge.

One more late night ramble. Apparently Ashlee Simpson is singing for shampoo now. I heard her song "La la" during a Thermasilk commercial. It seems a bit early for her to be washed up already.

Thanks for listening.

McLegal Lunch

2005-04-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

I drove through my local McDonald's today for a quick lunch: salad with grilled chicken and a cherry pie. While I was paying I saw a perplexing sign at the drive-thru window. Now I am paraphrasing, but it said that if customers were interested in learning how McDonald's planned on reducing trans-fatty acids in their food they go inside and read McDonald's legal notice. This seemed a bit frightening in light of the digit scare at Wendy's. Anyway, this reminded me of when I asked for a nutritional menu and I was told I could access it on the internet. At that time I didn't own a computer much less know much about the internet. Obviously they didn't want me to know just how fattening their French fries were. I didn't go in to read the legal notice on trans-fatty acids because unfortunately my attorney wasn't with me.

Happy Days Are Here Again!

2005-04-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

Well I finally got that taxing gorilla off of my back and I am even expecting a little pocket change from the I.R.S. It has truly been a harrowing experience. I haven't blogged or even allowed myself the luxury of reading blogs. For almost a month I have just watched the depressing news and sorted through old documents. In the event that you are unsure if you should keep something related to finances or taxes please heed my advice: KEEP IT!!! I had to come up with a lowly piece of paper from the mid-1990s. While everything is computerized that doesn't mean everything is on a computer for you.

Thank you to my two readers who kept cajoling and threatening and supporting me. If I had seen that Red Dirt was back I was going to feel really rotten.

Taxing Issues Revisited

2005-04-08T13:50:00.000-07:00

The government has a hold of my brain, but I am close to making my escape! I will be back...

Baseball Congressional Hearing: My Thoughts So Far

2005-03-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

I think it is very irresponsible for the baseball players that are testifying before Congress today to lay all the blame on Jose Conseco. It reminds me of when Ashlee Simpson's lip synching snafu on Saturday Night Live and she blamed her band.

I also think the Curt Schilling must be crazy if he thinks we are all bombarded on a daily basis with advertising about supplements and steroids. Huh? The only thing I am bombarded with are anorexic women with air-brushed thighs and fake boobs.

I think that Major League Baseball needs to just take their spanking and move on.

An Inane Observation

2005-03-16T22:01:00.000-08:00

Otto has been in my life for more than ten years. He has just recently learned something new; he has started putting the toilet paper back on the roll. This was no small feat, I had to resort to leaving sticky notes after years of complaining. Unbeknownst to me my husband is an under roller while I am the superior over roller. I had no idea and I know Otto better than anybody. While I may think my way is preferable, under rolling is better than trying to find a roll on the floor in the middle of the night.

Are other people this odd about how the roll goes on or is this just another weird thing I learned from my mother?

Coded Message

2005-03-16T06:39:00.000-08:00

There is a friend out there that I want to wish a very happy day to. He drove into my first washing machine before I ever had a chance to wash clothes in it. He took "breaking it in" a bit too liberally. He is one of the few people willing to make fun of me to my face. He is quite funny so he gets away with it. This friend has always supplied plenty of empathy when I am whining and bitching and I have appreciated it immensely. Have a great day dude!!!!!

Not Approved For All Audiences

2005-03-13T11:02:00.000-08:00

I am thrilled to have HBO's series Deadwood back on television. This is generally the type of show I would hate: a period show that resembles a western and a whole lot of violence. It is a mystery to me why I love it so much. The show received eleven Emmy nominations as well as two Golden Globe nominations.

Otto never watched the show with me last season because of a time conflict, but he heard me rave about "Deadwood" and gripe about being a solo viewer. Finally he can watch the show with me and saw it for the first last week. He was totally blown away by the language in "Deadwood".

We started debating about the two frequently used cuss words on the show. We couldn't agree on which word was more offensive. I wanted to ask my three readers which word they thought was worse. Otto says I can't ask this kind of question on my blog because I will offend people. Obviously he is not a consumer of blogs, only the subject. For Otto's sake I will ask in the most PG-rated way I can. Oh, and if there are any children in the room you might want them to leave during this next segment. Ready?

Which word is worse?

1) F%$K
2) $O$KS%$KER

Otto says the first word and I say the second word. Should I worry about the FCC now?

Where's The Grecian 5?

2005-03-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

I am just ready to pack it in because getting older sucks! Now I have gray hair there.

Get Me To The Church On Time

2005-03-10T22:25:00.000-08:00

I have finally realized why people stay in more as they get older. It is not because they want to go to bed early; it is because it takes so long to package themselves for the public. It is even more difficult for women. I went to a wedding last Saturday night for one of Otto's friends. I actually starting preparing myself on February 25th. Needless to say, I was so happy to have the outfit decision made.

I know I should go to a salon for most of this, but I don't have time. Friday night I spent the evening coloring my roots while Otto went to the movie with a friend. Saturday morning I got online to order the couple's gift. Otto was there to give his approval and hand me the credit card. While I was sitting at the computer I asked if Otto knew where we were going because this wedding was at least 40 minutes away. I got the affirmative.

Saturday afternoon I de-furred myself while Otto took a nap in the middle of Run Lola Run. An hour and half till departure time and I was plastering my face with makeup and my hair with mousse. Thirty minutes to go and I put on the dreaded control top hose twice (the first pair had a runner). At this point I didn't know where Otto was, but I could smell microwave pizza.

We had to leave in five minutes and all I was trying to do was to get my bangs to behave. Otto had started to dress. While he was dressing, he was looking for the directions. Guess what? He couldn't find them. I really wanted to wring his neck , but I was in heels. While he was putting on socks and shoes, I printed the directions and put up the dog. We made it out of the house without a second to spare and my husband drove like a bat out of hell for thirty minutes. He got us to the church on time and I know he felt a great sense of accomplishment. Sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to get through life putting on a tie and speeding down the highway in comfortable shoes.

Epilogue...

At the wedding reception someone asked if Otto and I were high school sweethearts. WHAT?!? Behind my tight grin I said, "Oh no, he is way older than me." Otto has a decade on me and certainly doesn't obsess about details like gray hair. I would rather have someone pat my carb-induced belly and ask me when I'm due.

Who Are You Wearing?

2005-03-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

I think the mainstream media are taking themselves too seriously when it comes to Michael Jackson and his attire for court. They really went a little crazy over the pajama bottoms today. People wear pajama bottoms in public all the time-- for once Jackson looked "normal". If someone points to a clown and says "Hey, he has big shoes on today" , the clown is still a clown. This trial is serious business. If Michael Jackson wears a purple arm band he is making a statement, if he wears pajama bottoms, he is making a statement. It is much better for Michael Jackson to have his freakish clothes discussed in the media instead of his freakish behavior.

Play Ball!

2005-03-09T22:01:00.000-08:00

Well baseball fans this fight is better than a brawl on the mound between Roger Clemens and Mike Piazza. Major League Baseball's legal representatives are planning to fight the subpoenas. It just makes them look more culpable. Check out the AP photo, these guys look like "The Eleven Most Wanted". It does seem curious that Congress is not asking for Barry Bonds.

Danny Boy

2005-03-09T20:54:00.000-08:00

Tonight was Dan Rather's last night. I don't care what anyone says, I'll miss you and your Danisms. We'll always have Election 2000, thanks for being there after everyone else went to bed.

Man's Best Friend Revisited

2005-03-09T12:45:00.000-08:00

Dogs aren't just for companionship anymore. Apparently they are also good for an alibi.

Remember to Wear Green

2005-03-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

Congress intends to give baseball players like Sammy Sosa, Jason Giambi and Curt Schilling a public pinching on March 17, 2005, St. Patrick's Day. You can read the story here. I can't believe these guys actually thought they could ponder whether or not they would testify before Congress. The ball players would look less guilty if they didn't need a subpoena to testify. I have to hand it to Rafael Palmeiro though, for using his wife's birthday as a way to get out of testifying before Congress. He sounds like he could be a politician if the baseball thing doesn't work out for him.

I Want My T.L.B.

2005-03-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

Just some recreational whining here. It feels like the cable has been disconnected. I love The Truth Laid Bear. Does anyone know how long debugging takes generally?

Got Teeth? Part Two

2005-03-07T23:00:00.000-08:00

For the past month I have had people I don't know ringing my doorbell and it is always while I am preparing dinner. I get the traditional stuff like the Girl Scouts or a locked out neighbor. In the last two weeks I have had guys selling dinner and hockey packages or car wash coupons. They flash some leaflet card at me and try to sell me $300 worth of services for $30. I put them off, or tell them to come back when the man of the house is around. Otto would have to make that kind of decision. They buy it. They come back. The dog barks her head off. I don't answer the door. They don't come back.

It is important to note that I never used to answer the door unless I was actually expecting somebody. Now I answer the door all the time; there is no way anyone wants to cross my dog, but I am reconsidering my position on this.

Last night, while I was working on my dumplings, the door bell rings. I answer the door and I have a teenager flash another leaflet thing at me. But this is a little different. The leaflet has some American flags on it and he says he works for a charity that is against gang violence. Then he opens up this blue Rubbermaid container. It is full of all kinds of snacks: Chocolate candy, cookies in a tin, fish crackers and peanut butter cups. I realize I can't squirm out of this one, and besides I am against violence. I ask how much, "everything is $8," he said. I told him I would go see if I had any money and I close the front door. I scrounge up the money in ones and quarters. I give him the money and ask for the peanut butter cups. While I am politely waiting for the kid to count the quarters, I notice the necklace he is wearing has a gold-plated razor blade hanging on it with some type of engraving. Holy shit! This does not represent to me someone who is against violence. I was just thankful that my dog had my back and that I had taken such good care of her teeth.

Got Teeth?

2005-03-07T06:44:00.000-08:00

I just dropped off my dog at the vet early this morning. She is there for her first dental cleaning. For dogs it is a bit more of a production than it is for people. The vet will start them on an antibiotic a few days ahead of time and on the day of the cleaning the dog is knocked out. I am sure most people are laughing at my dedication to the dental health of my dog, but I am so excited because her breath smells worse than ass. More importantly, my last dog lived to be 18 years old and I didn't take such good care of his teeth. His teeth were literally worn down past his gums; he had three and half good teeth the last few years of his life.

Soul Mates

2005-03-06T14:04:00.000-08:00

It is so good to know that Joey Buttafuoco has finally met his match. Joey's new bride was escorted down the aisle by her first husband. Sounds like a walk down the plank. Best wishes to the happy couple...not.

Tambourine Man

2005-03-06T13:40:00.000-08:00

I fell in love with a geek. Otto always makes me laugh and it is usually at his expense. He has learned to put up with me. He is learning to tolerate my blog.

This afternoon Otto was watching the end of Run Lola Run and started playing the air guitar. The music in the movie had a very 80s techno sound. I told him there was no guitar in the music and I started playing a bit of air drums myself. So Otto made this hand gesture I didn't recognize. I asked him what he was playing and he said, "The tambourine". I had never seen anyone playing the air tambourine.

Who plays air tambourine?

Did He Just Say I Was Fat?

2005-03-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

This morning my husband and I were discussing our weekend plans and goals. One thing I mentioned was wanting to unearth our elliptical trainer so I could get back into my workout routine. I said it had been so long since I had exercised and that I was getting fat. Otto said, "You're not fat, we both have just put on weight...". I let it slide. I guess I deserved that because I called him a slob yesterday.

Worth a Look-See

2005-03-04T08:07:00.000-08:00

Here is a great way to make Friday go by faster. Check out this website I found courtesy of The Daily Bitch.

NOW I Feel Really Stupid

2005-03-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

I could have corrected my post Ice Cream Advisory because I just realized that the ice cream container said The Gobfather. I will leave the post as is and just admit my mistake. This happens to me all the time especially since I have been getting so long in the tooth. Just know that when I bought it, consumed it and blogged about it, I thought it said The Godfather.

Ice Cream Advisory

2005-03-03T11:52:00.000-08:00

I am going to openly lift an idea from Blue Dot and share my dream with you that I had last night.

First you should know that it is all Otto's fault. Yesterday morning I was pretty ticked off at him because I had to trip over his dirty clothes and shoes to take a shower, and as always the newspaper was there posing as our bath mat. I have been trying to be a good wife and keep the house clean and my man fed. I will freely admit that I can be a perfectionist bitch, but I will also admit that Otto can be a slob.

I was miffed most of the day and so I went grocery shopping to get out of my funk and plan dinner. Well I found a new flavor from Ben and Jerry's to drown my sorrows in: The Godfather. This ice cream gave me the dreaded teeth dream.

In my dream I went to Target to find an orthodontist for my regular checkup. One of the checkout girls found someone for me. The "orthodontist" lady looked like any other regular schmo at Target and agreed to examine me. I smiled at her with my retainer in place and I got the thumbs up, everything looks good. The lady handed me a bill for $1000. I was upset and tried to argue and explain the most I had ever paid was $300. I finally got in line at the customer service department and paid the damn bill. When I got to my car and smiled in the rearview mirror I noticed that part of my teeth on the right side had rotted away.

I always find this type of dream stressful and I saw a lot of irony in dreaming about losing my teeth after eating something called The Godfather. Use extreme caution when consuming, especially if it is by the pint.

Taxing Issues: Here's A Rerun

2005-03-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

I have to work on important stuff like getting my 1040 ready for the Internal Revenue Service. Check out this old post on Otto. So far it has received the most comments on my blog.

Please File Under Monday

2005-03-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

Today totally sucked. It certainly felt like a Monday. Otto voted (see post below) at 6:56 p.m. and he was voter #214. It is good to know how much people care about their communities. I suppose if a Nativity scene was involved the turnout would have been better. My candidate did not win, in fact he came in third place. I think the only reason that Patrick Ryan won is because he had bigger yard signs and name recognition. It wasn't even his name that people recognized. He is not the former U.S. Attorney Patrick Ryan. To top it all off there wasn't anything good on the tube and I had this bizarre e-mail rant with a pedantic person today. I think I lost there, too.

Oklahoma City Residents Only

2005-03-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

I voted in the City Council race for my ward today. It was 10:00 in the morning and I was voter number 46. Honestly, I am not sure if this is good or bad. I was by far the youngest person at the polling place. It took me exactly three minutes to park, vote, and get out of the parking lot. I wish more people took the municipal races more seriously. The City Council have so much more to do with our day-to-day lives. Bricktown could not be a better example of the type of power these people have, and in Ward 8 I think all I have to say is Penn and Memorial.

Want to know what got more inches on the front page of The Daily Oklahoman? The fact that local resident, John Paul, did not get picked by Jen Schefft on"The Bachlorette". I agree this is newsworthy, but it has absolutely no effect on my life. John Paul's love life has no effect on whether or not I get to work on time or if I can find a parking place in Bricktown.

I Interrupt This Broadcast...

2005-02-28T15:55:00.000-08:00

How about something tasty for Easter dinner?

Play That Funky Music

2005-02-28T14:08:00.000-08:00

This year Otto and I were invited to my in-laws to watch the Oscars on their new 50-inch television. The Oscars are considered serious business in my husband's family because they place bets on the nominees. Otto was sick last night and I had a choice between watching the Oscars at my in-laws or nursing my husband back to health. Hmm, what would Otto do? I went to watch the Oscars on the giant television.

I had a great time with my in-laws and their friends, I was quite the "Chatty Cathy" and ignored the new television in its debut. It was because I was really disappointed in the show. I don't mean the winners, just the production of the show. I felt like the 77th Annual Academy Awards were back in a 1977 time warp, there was just too much gold. And the people accepting their awards in the audience with their loved ones looking at their backs was awful. That concept had a very Monty Hall feeling on "Let's Make A Deal".

They may have knocked twenty minutes off the show, but I was bored for three hours.

Jose and Barry: My Observations

2005-02-28T12:47:00.000-08:00

While I am sitting here waiting for the refrigerator repair man I thought I would post on steroids in baseball. Yes I know, it is an old story.

I really don't know what to make of Jose Canseco. He seems to be riding both sides of the fence. I saw him interviewed by Sean Hannity (please note-I detest anybody associated with Fox News) and it was total a softball interview. I was actually a bit surprised by Hannity, maybe he's friends with Jose.

I do see a lot of irony with every other baseball player dissing Jose saying he only wrote the book for money. HELLO!!! That is how all Major League baseball players think and some have become overpaid prima donnas. Jose doesn't help his case by auctioning off his awards. He may be doing the right thing because deep down in his heart he knows that he didn't earn these awards.

Barry I think is suffering from withdrawal, how else do you explain his first interview the press? It will be interesting to see how his body does or doesn't change; Barry Bonds is going to be the whole story this season. And, with everyone cleaning up their bodies, the pitching coaches are going to have a hell of a time devising their defensive strategies.

I do hope that Congress will follow through with their hearings and put some honor back in baseball. Who would've thought I would think a politician could restore honor to anything?...

Dinner and A Movie

2005-02-27T14:15:00.000-08:00

For great movie reviews you have to read Cutting to the Chase. I am not a movie critic and I won't embarrass myself by trying. I will only say I rented a great foreign film this weekend, The Barbarian Invasions (U.S. title). It won the Academy Award in 2003 for Best Foreign Language Film.

I also had a fabulous dinner from P.F. Chang's. When the newness wears off of this restaurant , Otto and I are actually going to eat in P.F. Chang's (wait time is usually an hour). Generally when there is any new eatery here in Oklahoma, everyone in the State goes there until a new restaurant opens and steals the show.

The fortunes from our cookies:

-Remember to share good fortune as well as bad with friends.
-You have a keen sense of humor and bring out the best in others.

Here is a fun place to get your fortune for the day if you don't have time for Chinese food.

A Gannon Tune

2005-02-26T10:40:00.000-08:00

According to this article:

I'm a journalist
He's a journalist
She's a journalist
Wouldn't you like to be a journalist too?

I think every scandal deserves its own song.

Cheap Alteration

2005-02-25T10:35:00.000-08:00

Well I can mark one thing off of my massive to-do list. I had bought an outfit in a hurry for an event that Otto and I had to attend. At the time the top was a bit big but I don't think I flashed anyone at the party. I took this outfit to my tailor's today so that I could wear it appropriately to a wedding. Well I managed to plump myself up enough with trips to Taco Bueno. I saved fifty bucks! Thank you MexiDip and Chips.

Hey Wait A Minute

2005-02-25T10:24:00.000-08:00

All morning long I have been singing "I'm a slimy mollusc, short and stout, here is my handle here is my spout.". Now I see I am a flippery fish and I can't come up with another tune. I must admit though I like saying flippery fish. Flippery fish...

Thank You Philip Morris

2005-02-25T00:10:00.000-08:00

I have been a smoke free now for a year and five days. I am also $1500 richer. I owe some credit to the commercial that Philip Morris is obligated to do, the one that has a parent typing on a keyboard. The sound of that keyboard drove me crazy and I was starting to feel a bit paranoid because that commercial was on all the time. Philip Morris' website has many links to organizations to help people quit, that is how I learned I had an extra $1500 this year. I wish more of the tobacco settlement money was used to help people quit. I think that many states like getting the tax dollars from cigarette smokers-- you can always count on an addict to pay.

Otto did not get me anything for this one year anniversary. I should be thankful though because he has been known to be a regifter even when the gift wasn't given to him.

I'M HERE...

2005-02-24T23:10:00.000-08:00

I'm away from the computer for a few days and today I see that I have 62 e-mails. Some of the e-mails are actually blog-related. Yippee! I had no idea more than two people actually looked at my blog. Thanks Lilred for your bean comments.

Otto did not get mad about my last post and take away my blog. Lately I have been battling a cleaning jag and turned my OCD on that instead of more important things like The Joker's Wife. I have been dreaming about ostrich feather dusters and having two houses to clean.

I did see something blogworthy the other night when Otto and I went to Braum's. As we were driving through the neighborhood we saw that someone still had their Christmas tree up and the lights on the tree were on. It really made me wonder what was going on in that house. I had some thoughts on it but I will keep them to myself.

Mr. Bean Jeans

2005-02-17T22:07:00.000-08:00

My husband Otto has a weird relationship with beans. Otto insists that he loathes beans. Every time we eat out the first question that Otto asks the waiter is if there are any beans in the soup. One lone bean and no soup for Otto unless we are eating Mexican food-- then all the bean rules change. Otto adores bean dip and isn't apt to share.

For the past fourteen years I have cooked for Otto and faithfully made every dinner a beanless one. Tonight I had reached my limit with this unpleasantness about the beans when I made chicken cobbler. At 8:00 Otto was starving to death when he dug into the cornmeal and cheese topping and asked: "Is that a black bean I see in there?" Of course I said, "No dear, that is black corn."

The man had three helpings and said that the chicken cobbler was so good that he would put it in his top five favorite list. Sorry Otto, but you had many beans last night.

Ah, the life of The Joker's Wife...

Beauty Tip?

2005-02-16T21:14:00.000-08:00

I was listening to the television show The View yesterday morning and my ears perked up when I heard they were going to share beauty tips from the Stars. While I didn't hear anything helpful, like how to get Blue Dot's eyebrow to grow back, there was one bizarre beauty tip.

Of course, this tip comes from Janet Jackson. Apparently she gets a colonic to make her abs look really cut. This is a new thing that is all the rage in Hollywood and everyone is raving about it. Some even call it colon hydrotherapy. Isn't this just a fancy (and expensive) term for an enema?

Enough Already #2

2005-02-16T01:42:00.000-08:00

I would really like to know why television hosts like Chris Matthews and Joe Scarborough need blogs too. Isn't having their own TV show enough?

Clammy Dan

2005-02-15T22:49:00.000-08:00

I really enjoy watching The Abraham's Report on MSNBC. I respect Dan Abrams the most as a journalist and a lawyer. Besides being easy on the eyes, he comes across very even-handed on his television show. He is also a vegetarian which adds to the ah factor. Well the grumpy radio host Don Imus has totally ruined my image of Dan Abrams. According to Don Imus when he met Dan Abrams he was given a clammy handshake. Why did Don have to share this bit of information? I know Don Imus is an asshole (which is why I like him) but that was really cruel. Usually this level of cruelty is displayed by Howard Stern who I thought was the bigger asshole.

Creep Complaint #1

2005-02-10T13:52:00.000-08:00

Today I went to one of my favorite places to buy useless crap for the house. You might recognize their spokesperson. I had bought silverware for eight people and I wanted to buy another set of four so I could feed my large family. While I was there I also picked up a cheap toy for the dog and a cotton nightgown for myself. When I was paying for my stuff the cashier commented on how pretty the nightgown was and told me it was the last one in purple. Now I absolutely hate it when cashiers talk about what I am buying, and it happens all the time. I think this is a sign of terrible manners and today was so bad because the cashier was a man. I wonder if he would commented on my sleepwear if Otto had been with me?

Get Gouged on Valentine's Day

2005-02-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

Last night Otto and I were discussing where we would eat out for Valentine's Day. Our main concern was getting a decent time at a really swanky restaurant. The starting price per person is $60 and some places want your credit card number to hold your reservation. Now you don't get to order off of the menu, they have planned the meal for you. And if you really want to go all out you can pay over $100 per person and drink all you want here.

Enough Already

2005-02-07T08:10:00.000-08:00

Generally I consider myself a news junkie, I would list news watching as one of my hobbies. But I really wish that the cable news stations would drop the "ticker tape " from their broadcast. It is causing me so much anxiety that I have considered putting duct tape at the bottom of my television screen. This started after 9/11 when there was a tremendous amount of news and everyone was parked in front of their televisions. Now it is just distracting. When there is a Health Update and I have only caught the tail end of a sentence, I have waited over thirty minutes before to see the beginning of the sentence to find out if that turkey sandwich I ate two hours ago was tainted or not. I just want to hear Wolf Blizter, not read him.

Man's Best Friend

2005-02-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just do not understand my husband Otto. Recently he stopped feeding our dog because he had this nasty virus that has been going around. I asked him why, and my sweet Otto said he was afraid he was contagious and would make our dog sick.

That's my guy!

Chased Off

2005-02-06T10:05:00.000-08:00

Well Cutting to the Chase is just not enough for me anymore. It is finally time for me to venture out from under the Anonymous cover and post on my own. It was a lot a fun Chase, but your too busy to comment on my comments. Thanks for the inspiration.